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Google$599 (Pixel 6), $899 (Pixel 6 Pro)For someone who hasnt replaced their iPhone in a little while. By most accounts, this is a very nice phone, and you can easily pass it off as a phone given in earnest—convert them to Android and direct the ire of their group chats toward them once the chat balloons become irreparably green, setting the stage for their eventual departure. Ready Hour$57 (Beans Trio & Rice Kit, 100 Servings), $867 (3-month supply), $1,597 (6-month supply), $2,987 (1-year supply)Got an anti-vaxxer relative thats endangering public health? Give them a supply of self-reliance buckets to remove their need to leave their home, effectively removing them from society. For less than $3000, you can sequester your awful relative for up to a year and effect material benefit for the world. Scott$25.49Buy as many as you can afford and undermine their bathroom experience for a lifetime with what some say is the most uncomfortable toilet paper that you can buy. The value proposition of this large supply of toilet paper may pit partners against each other and destroy lives—use with caution. Taggarts Ice Cream Parlor and Restaurant$100+Find a low-key family restaurant in a distant non-major city that the recipient has seemingly no interest in ever visiting; buy a generous gift card, and attach a note: I know how much you love traveling and dining out. Ive heard really great things about this restaurant. Enjoy!
. You get to feel good thanks to the fallacy that supporting small businesses is virtuous, and the recipient is left endlessly confused. Internet Archive$5+Internet Archive is a digital library dedicated to providing free access to digitized audio, books, movies, software, and more. A major focus of the Internet Archive has been archiving web pages through their Way Back Machine. If, for example, youve ever tried to determine how problematic a Bon Appétit recipe was prior to being scrubbed clean, the Way Back Machine has archived it. The Internet Archive is currently hosting 70 petabytes of archived data—thats 70,000,000 gigabytes—and a donation enables that. Grey Poupon$71.06 (Two, 1-Gallon jugs)For years I took the the joyless pain of eating Grey Poupon as a point of pride— a tough mustard for tough people. Its not. Grey Poupon is an awful Dijon mustard with its only flavor being a one-dimensional mustard heat, and the fact that this mustard has defined Dijon mustard for many in the United States is endlessly distressing. Give the gift of two 1-Gallon jugs of Grey Poupon to someone awful. Cite a fear of supply chain issues to explain the volume of mustard. If the recipient notes that they dont like Grey Poupon, tell them that they havent had the good Grey Poupon and that its only available through restaurant suppliers, à la hair salons being the only source of high concentration hair products. Note that Grey Poupon needs to be stored in the fridge once its opened to maintain its best flavor. Really, youre awful for doing this, but this whole thing, all of it, should turn them off of you for a while, and thats the goal, right? Ralph Lauren Boys 8–20$145Buy it for that guy who isnt quite worth the price of mens clothing. Go with the largest size for the most plausible deniability. Benjamin Moore$62.99 (1 Gallon)This is great quality paint, and this is great for those in a new home in need of interior painting. Get this paint in a dark color, and see if they paint a room with it. If you notice that the recipient used the paint, follow up with a discordant color for the next holiday or birthday, and see if they continue to paint. If they paint again, you should assume that the recipient will paint ad infinitum. Proceed with caution, but probably also proceed with more gifts of paint. Alzheimers Association$35+Make a donation to contribute to care, support, and research for Alzheimers disease and other dementias. Google$599 (Pixel 6), $899 (Pixel 6 Pro)For someone who hasnt replaced their iPhone in a little while. By most accounts, this is a very nice phone, and you can easily pass it off as a phone given in earnest—convert them to Android and direct the ire of their group chats toward them once the chat balloons become irreparably green, setting the stage for their eventual departure. Taggarts Ice Cream Parlor and Restaurant$100+Find a low-key family restaurant in a distant non-major city that the recipient has seemingly no interest in ever visiting; buy a generous gift card, and attach a note: I know how much you love traveling and dining out. Ive heard really great things about this restaurant. Enjoy!
. You get to feel good thanks to the fallacy that supporting small businesses is virtuous, and the recipient is left endlessly confused. Ralph Lauren Boys 8–20$145Buy it for that guy who isnt quite worth the price of mens clothing. Go with the largest size for the most plausible deniability. Ready Hour$57 (Beans Trio & Rice Kit, 100 Servings), $867 (3-month supply), $1,597 (6-month supply), $2,987 (1-year supply)Got an anti-vaxxer relative thats endangering public health? Give them a supply of self-reliance buckets to remove their need to leave their home, effectively removing them from society. For less than $3000, you can sequester your awful relative for up to a year and effect material benefit for the world. Internet Archive$5+Internet Archive is a digital library dedicated to providing free access to digitized audio, books, movies, software, and more. A major focus of the Internet Archive has been archiving web pages through their Way Back Machine. If, for example, youve ever tried to determine how problematic a Bon Appétit recipe was prior to being scrubbed clean, the Way Back Machine has archived it. The Internet Archive is currently hosting 70 petabytes of archived data—thats 70,000,000 gigabytes—and a donation enables that. Benjamin Moore$62.99 (1 Gallon)This is great quality paint, and this is great for those in a new home in need of interior painting. Get this paint in a dark color, and see if they paint a room with it. If you notice that the recipient used the paint, follow up with a discordant color for the next holiday or birthday, and see if they continue to paint. If they paint again, you should assume that the recipient will paint ad infinitum. Proceed with caution, but probably also proceed with more gifts of paint. Grey Poupon$71.06 (Two, 1-Gallon jugs)For years I took the the joyless pain of eating Grey Poupon as a point of pride— a tough mustard for tough people. Its not. Grey Poupon is an awful Dijon mustard with its only flavor being a one-dimensional mustard heat, and the fact that this mustard has defined Dijon mustard for many in the United States is endlessly distressing. Give the gift of two 1-Gallon jugs of Grey Poupon to someone awful. Cite a fear of supply chain issues to explain the volume of mustard. If the recipient notes that they dont like Grey Poupon, tell them that they havent had the good Grey Poupon and that its only available through restaurant suppliers, à la hair salons being the only source of high concentration hair products. Note that Grey Poupon needs to be stored in the fridge once its opened to maintain its best flavor. Really, youre awful for doing this, but this whole thing, all of it, should turn them off of you for a while, and thats the goal, right? Alzheimers Association$35+Make a donation to contribute to care, support, and research for Alzheimers disease and other dementias. Scott$25.49Buy as many as you can afford and undermine their bathroom experience for a lifetime with what some say is the most uncomfortable toilet paper that you can buy. The value proposition of this large supply of toilet paper may pit partners against each other and destroy lives—use with caution.
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