The 2021 Rift Ride

Generous means for chaotic ends



Pixel 6 by Google
Google
Pixel 6
$599 (Pixel 6), $899 (Pixel 6 Pro)
For someone who hasn’t replaced their iPhone in a little while. By most accounts, this is a very nice phone, and you can easily pass it off as a phone given in earnest—convert them to Android and direct the ire of their group chats toward them once the chat balloons become irreparably green, setting the stage for their eventual departure.
Self-Reliance Buckets by Ready Hour
Ready Hour
Self-Reliance Buckets
$57 (Beans Trio & Rice Kit, 100 Servings), $867 (3-month supply), $1,597 (6-month supply), $2,987 (1-year supply)
Got an anti-vaxxer relative that’s endangering public health? Give them a supply of self-reliance buckets to remove their need to leave their home, effectively removing them from society. For less than $3000, you can sequester your awful relative for up to a year and effect material benefit for the world.
Dijon Mustard by Grey Poupon
Grey Poupon
Dijon Mustard
$71.06 (Two, 1-Gallon jugs)
For years I took the the joyless pain of eating Grey Poupon as a point of pride— a tough mustard for tough people. It’s not. Grey Poupon is an awful Dijon mustard with its only flavor being a one-dimensional mustard heat, and the fact that this mustard has defined Dijon mustard for many in the United States is endlessly distressing. Give the gift of two 1-Gallon jugs of Grey Poupon to someone awful. Cite a fear of supply chain issues to explain the volume of mustard. If the recipient notes that they don’t like Grey Poupon, tell them that they haven’t had the good Grey Poupon and that it’s only available through restaurant suppliers, à la hair salons being the only source of high concentration hair products. Note that Grey Poupon needs to be stored in the fridge once it’s opened to maintain its best flavor. Really, you’re awful for doing this, but this whole thing, all of it, should turn them off of you for a while, and that’s the goal, right?
Gift Card by Taggart’s Ice Cream Parlor and Restaurant
Taggart’s Ice Cream Parlor and Restaurant
Gift Card
$100+
Find a low-key family restaurant in a distant non-major city that the recipient has seemingly no interest in ever visiting; buy a generous gift card, and attach a note: I know how much you love traveling and dining out. I’ve heard really great things about this restaurant. Enjoy!. You get to feel good thanks to the fallacy that supporting small businesses is virtuous, and the recipient is left endlessly confused.
REGAL® SELECT INTERIOR PAINT by Benjamin Moore
Benjamin Moore
REGAL® SELECT INTERIOR PAINT
$62.99 (1 Gallon)
This is great quality paint, and this is great for those in a new home in need of interior painting. Get this paint in a dark color, and see if they paint a room with it. If you notice that the recipient used the paint, follow up with a discordant color for the next holiday or birthday, and see if they continue to paint. If they paint again, you should assume that the recipient will paint ad infinitum. Proceed with caution, but probably also proceed with more gifts of paint.
Toilet Paper, 36 Count by Scott
Scott
Toilet Paper, 36 Count
$25.49
Buy as many as you can afford and undermine their bathroom experience for a lifetime with what some say is the most uncomfortable toilet paper that you can buy. The value proposition of this large supply of toilet paper may pit partners against each other and destroy lives—use with caution.
Kids’ Polo Bear Cotton Sweater by Ralph Lauren Boys 8–20
Ralph Lauren Boys 8–20
Kids’ Polo Bear Cotton Sweater
$145
Buy it for that guy who isn’t quite worth the price of men’s clothing. Go with the largest size for the most plausible deniability.
Donation by Various
Various
Donation
$25+
Spite them with a charitable donation in their name. For the person in your life that hates Jews, donate to the Jewish Institute for the Blind. Know someone who doesn’t believe in degenerative neurological diseases? Go with a healthy donation to the Alzheimer’s Association. Have to give a gift to a high-level Facebook employee? Donate to the Electronic Frontier Foundation and do the digital privacy analogue of I’m praying for you. Return to the 2021 Gift Guide for some suggested charities.
Pixel 6 by Google
Google
Pixel 6
$599 (Pixel 6), $899 (Pixel 6 Pro)
For someone who hasn’t replaced their iPhone in a little while. By most accounts, this is a very nice phone, and you can easily pass it off as a phone given in earnest—convert them to Android and direct the ire of their group chats toward them once the chat balloons become irreparably green, setting the stage for their eventual departure.
Gift Card by Taggart’s Ice Cream Parlor and Restaurant
Taggart’s Ice Cream Parlor and Restaurant
Gift Card
$100+
Find a low-key family restaurant in a distant non-major city that the recipient has seemingly no interest in ever visiting; buy a generous gift card, and attach a note: I know how much you love traveling and dining out. I’ve heard really great things about this restaurant. Enjoy!. You get to feel good thanks to the fallacy that supporting small businesses is virtuous, and the recipient is left endlessly confused.
Kids’ Polo Bear Cotton Sweater by Ralph Lauren Boys 8–20
Ralph Lauren Boys 8–20
Kids’ Polo Bear Cotton Sweater
$145
Buy it for that guy who isn’t quite worth the price of men’s clothing. Go with the largest size for the most plausible deniability.
Self-Reliance Buckets by Ready Hour
Ready Hour
Self-Reliance Buckets
$57 (Beans Trio & Rice Kit, 100 Servings), $867 (3-month supply), $1,597 (6-month supply), $2,987 (1-year supply)
Got an anti-vaxxer relative that’s endangering public health? Give them a supply of self-reliance buckets to remove their need to leave their home, effectively removing them from society. For less than $3000, you can sequester your awful relative for up to a year and effect material benefit for the world.
REGAL® SELECT INTERIOR PAINT by Benjamin Moore
Benjamin Moore
REGAL® SELECT INTERIOR PAINT
$62.99 (1 Gallon)
This is great quality paint, and this is great for those in a new home in need of interior painting. Get this paint in a dark color, and see if they paint a room with it. If you notice that the recipient used the paint, follow up with a discordant color for the next holiday or birthday, and see if they continue to paint. If they paint again, you should assume that the recipient will paint ad infinitum. Proceed with caution, but probably also proceed with more gifts of paint.
Donation by Various
Various
Donation
$25+
Spite them with a charitable donation in their name. For the person in your life that hates Jews, donate to the Jewish Institute for the Blind. Know someone who doesn’t believe in degenerative neurological diseases? Go with a healthy donation to the Alzheimer’s Association. Have to give a gift to a high-level Facebook employee? Donate to the Electronic Frontier Foundation and do the digital privacy analogue of I’m praying for you. Return to the 2021 Gift Guide for some suggested charities.
Dijon Mustard by Grey Poupon
Grey Poupon
Dijon Mustard
$71.06 (Two, 1-Gallon jugs)
For years I took the the joyless pain of eating Grey Poupon as a point of pride— a tough mustard for tough people. It’s not. Grey Poupon is an awful Dijon mustard with its only flavor being a one-dimensional mustard heat, and the fact that this mustard has defined Dijon mustard for many in the United States is endlessly distressing. Give the gift of two 1-Gallon jugs of Grey Poupon to someone awful. Cite a fear of supply chain issues to explain the volume of mustard. If the recipient notes that they don’t like Grey Poupon, tell them that they haven’t had the good Grey Poupon and that it’s only available through restaurant suppliers, à la hair salons being the only source of high concentration hair products. Note that Grey Poupon needs to be stored in the fridge once it’s opened to maintain its best flavor. Really, you’re awful for doing this, but this whole thing, all of it, should turn them off of you for a while, and that’s the goal, right?
Toilet Paper, 36 Count by Scott
Scott
Toilet Paper, 36 Count
$25.49
Buy as many as you can afford and undermine their bathroom experience for a lifetime with what some say is the most uncomfortable toilet paper that you can buy. The value proposition of this large supply of toilet paper may pit partners against each other and destroy lives—use with caution.



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