Ralph Lauren Boys 8–20 Kids’ Polo Bear Cotton Sweater $145 Buy it for that guy who isn’t quite worth the price of men’s clothing.
Augason Farms Deluxe Emergency 30-Day Food Supply), Net Weight 20 lbs. 7 oz. $78.67 Need to shed a friend that just won’t take a hint? Set them up with with a proper doomsday prepper lifestyle, and they’ll probably never want to deal with you again. Or they’ll get sucked into the whole thing; they’ll make prepper friends, and they’ll be too busy fortifying their home and collecting resources to bother you ever again. Especially effective for friends in apartments. Stick with the pail and multiples thereof—I don’t know what the packs are precisely, and no one answering the questions on Amazon seems sensible.
Go! Games Candy Canes 1000 Piece Puzzle $19.95 Great for puzzle enthusiasts. No one has completed this puzzle, and no one ever will.
Loom and Leaf Mattress $849–1,799 This is a very nice and extremely heavy mattress—the queen-sized is 184 pounds. For the small apartment-dweller, you can go the route of buying a mattress that’s a size larger than the current one owned by the recipient (and possibly repeat this the next year). Or there’s the riskier option of going one size smaller than the recipient’s current mattress, and you emphasize how incredible the mattress is. If you end up getting someone to transition to a twin-sized mattress, you’re a monster, but please let me know.
Scott Toilet Paper, 27 Count $19.99 Buy as much as you can afford and undermine their bathroom experience for a lifetime with what some say is the most uncomfortable toilet paper that you can buy. The value proposition of this large supply of toilet paper may pit partners against each other and destroy lives—use with caution. And if you need convincing, read this review.
Netflix Gift Card $107.88 Buy the gift card, use it to create a Netflix account for them on the Basic Streaming Plan and give them the account information. You should have enough on the card to cover a year. The Basic plan isn’t high-definition, so they’ll be stuck watching garbage-looking low-resolution videos for a year.
Google Pixel 4 $799 (Pixel 4), $899 (Pixel 4 XL) For the person you desperately need out of a group chat. Or, if not, direct the ire of the group chat toward them once the chat balloons become irreparably green.
Nintendo Wii U Console 8GB Basic Set - White (Renewed) $241.49 This is not the latest Nintendo console—this is an old one. It will not play the new Pokémon game. And this will be pretty frustrating when you combine it with a gift of Pokémon Sword or Shield that they won’t be able to play (or maybe just include the suggestion that the recipient can now play those games).
Summit Entertainment Red 2 4K Blu-ray $17.98 Include the note from the box, ’even better than the original,’ which is great if they’ve never seen the original Red. Even better if they don’t have a Blu-ray player. Get everyone their own copy if you’re dealing with a group—everyone must own a copy.
SANY DAYO HOME Wood Box Signs with Inspirational Saying $9.99 There’s probably someone who will love this, and you won’t upset them by giving them this gift, but you’ll contribute to the mediocrity of their home decor, and you can relish in that fact, I guess.
Stanislaus #10 Can Alta Cucina "Naturale" Style Plum Tomatoes - 6/Case $24.30/Case Perfect for those in small apartments who like to make pizza. Be sure to leverage the volume discount for three cases or more to get them over 100 pounds of tomato. It will likely have to become a chair in their living room. Throw in a bag or two of flour to go with it.
LG UltraFine 4K Display $699.95 This is a truly excellent monitor for photographers and others who need great color reproduction. But it’s really built for Mac (and to a lesser extent, the iPad), that is to say, there isn’t a single button to control the monitor, and all functionality is controlled through MacOS or iPadOS. So get it for the Windows-using photographer in your life. They’ll eventually probably be able to use this, but it’ll never be quite right.
Pizzeria Beddia (Philadelphia) Gift Card $250 Include a note ‘Enjoy the Hoagie Room with six of your friends. Call to make a reservation.’ They won’t be thrilled when they learn that the Pizzeria Beddia Hoagie Room costs $75 per person for six people, plus the cost of drinks, tax, and tip. This gift card doesn’t really cut it. Bonus points if they’re not in the Philadelphia area.
Valspar Signature Semi-Gloss Latex Tintable Paint, 5-Gallon $161 Great for those in a new home in need of interior painting. This is great quality paint. Get this paint in a dark color, and see if they paint a room with it. If you notice that they’ve used the paint, follow up with a discordant color for the next holiday or birthday, and see if they continue to paint. If so, you should assume that the recipient will paint ad infinitum, and you should proceed with caution, but probably also with more paint gifts.
Marathon Gift Card $5-500 OK, so don’t run out and buy a Marathon gas card thinking you’re going to cause distress for someone—you won’t necessarily. What you need to do is get a gas gift card for a gas station in the area in which Christmas is taking place, for a person that flew to that area. So get a Marathon gas gift card for the person from California that flew into northeast Ohio. Or a Stewart’s gas gift card for the person from Ohio that flew into upstate NY.
TP Blaster Toilet Paper Blasters Sheet Storm $34.99 Must have for the kids of someone you deeply dislike. It’s like Nerf, except it shoots toilet paper instead. Probably pairs really well with the Scott toilet paper in this Rift Ride, but note that the Toilet Paper Blaster suggests double ply toilet paper. I don’t know exactly what will happen with single-ply paper, but I’d imagine it’ll be a mess.
Ralph Lauren Boys 8–20 Kids’ Polo Bear Cotton Sweater $145 Buy it for that guy who isn’t quite worth the price of men’s clothing.
Google Pixel 4 $799 (Pixel 4), $899 (Pixel 4 XL) For the person you desperately need out of a group chat. Or, if not, direct the ire of the group chat toward them once the chat balloons become irreparably green.
LG UltraFine 4K Display $699.95 This is a truly excellent monitor for photographers and others who need great color reproduction. But it’s really built for Mac (and to a lesser extent, the iPad), that is to say, there isn’t a single button to control the monitor, and all functionality is controlled through MacOS or iPadOS. So get it for the Windows-using photographer in your life. They’ll eventually probably be able to use this, but it’ll never be quite right.
Augason Farms Deluxe Emergency 30-Day Food Supply), Net Weight 20 lbs. 7 oz. $78.67 Need to shed a friend that just won’t take a hint? Set them up with with a proper doomsday prepper lifestyle, and they’ll probably never want to deal with you again. Or they’ll get sucked into the whole thing; they’ll make prepper friends, and they’ll be too busy fortifying their home and collecting resources to bother you ever again. Especially effective for friends in apartments. Stick with the pail and multiples thereof—I don’t know what the packs are precisely, and no one answering the questions on Amazon seems sensible.
Nintendo Wii U Console 8GB Basic Set - White (Renewed) $241.49 This is not the latest Nintendo console—this is an old one. It will not play the new Pokémon game. And this will be pretty frustrating when you combine it with a gift of Pokémon Sword or Shield that they won’t be able to play (or maybe just include the suggestion that the recipient can now play those games).
Pizzeria Beddia (Philadelphia) Gift Card $250 Include a note ‘Enjoy the Hoagie Room with six of your friends. Call to make a reservation.’ They won’t be thrilled when they learn that the Pizzeria Beddia Hoagie Room costs $75 per person for six people, plus the cost of drinks, tax, and tip. This gift card doesn’t really cut it. Bonus points if they’re not in the Philadelphia area.
Go! Games Candy Canes 1000 Piece Puzzle $19.95 Great for puzzle enthusiasts. No one has completed this puzzle, and no one ever will.
Summit Entertainment Red 2 4K Blu-ray $17.98 Include the note from the box, ’even better than the original,’ which is great if they’ve never seen the original Red. Even better if they don’t have a Blu-ray player. Get everyone their own copy if you’re dealing with a group—everyone must own a copy.
Valspar Signature Semi-Gloss Latex Tintable Paint, 5-Gallon $161 Great for those in a new home in need of interior painting. This is great quality paint. Get this paint in a dark color, and see if they paint a room with it. If you notice that they’ve used the paint, follow up with a discordant color for the next holiday or birthday, and see if they continue to paint. If so, you should assume that the recipient will paint ad infinitum, and you should proceed with caution, but probably also with more paint gifts.
Loom and Leaf Mattress $849–1,799 This is a very nice and extremely heavy mattress—the queen-sized is 184 pounds. For the small apartment-dweller, you can go the route of buying a mattress that’s a size larger than the current one owned by the recipient (and possibly repeat this the next year). Or there’s the riskier option of going one size smaller than the recipient’s current mattress, and you emphasize how incredible the mattress is. If you end up getting someone to transition to a twin-sized mattress, you’re a monster, but please let me know.
Marathon Gift Card $5-500 OK, so don’t run out and buy a Marathon gas card thinking you’re going to cause distress for someone—you won’t necessarily. What you need to do is get a gas gift card for a gas station in the area in which Christmas is taking place, for a person that flew to that area. So get a Marathon gas gift card for the person from California that flew into northeast Ohio. Or a Stewart’s gas gift card for the person from Ohio that flew into upstate NY.
Scott Toilet Paper, 27 Count $19.99 Buy as much as you can afford and undermine their bathroom experience for a lifetime with what some say is the most uncomfortable toilet paper that you can buy. The value proposition of this large supply of toilet paper may pit partners against each other and destroy lives—use with caution. And if you need convincing, read this review.
SANY DAYO HOME Wood Box Signs with Inspirational Saying $9.99 There’s probably someone who will love this, and you won’t upset them by giving them this gift, but you’ll contribute to the mediocrity of their home decor, and you can relish in that fact, I guess.
TP Blaster Toilet Paper Blasters Sheet Storm $34.99 Must have for the kids of someone you deeply dislike. It’s like Nerf, except it shoots toilet paper instead. Probably pairs really well with the Scott toilet paper in this Rift Ride, but note that the Toilet Paper Blaster suggests double ply toilet paper. I don’t know exactly what will happen with single-ply paper, but I’d imagine it’ll be a mess.
Netflix Gift Card $107.88 Buy the gift card, use it to create a Netflix account for them on the Basic Streaming Plan and give them the account information. You should have enough on the card to cover a year. The Basic plan isn’t high-definition, so they’ll be stuck watching garbage-looking low-resolution videos for a year.
Stanislaus #10 Can Alta Cucina "Naturale" Style Plum Tomatoes - 6/Case $24.30/Case Perfect for those in small apartments who like to make pizza. Be sure to leverage the volume discount for three cases or more to get them over 100 pounds of tomato. It will likely have to become a chair in their living room. Throw in a bag or two of flour to go with it.