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Ralph Lauren Boys 8–20$145Buy it for that guy who isnt quite worth the price of mens clothing. Augason Farms$78.67Need to shed a friend that just wont take a hint? Set them up with with a proper doomsday prepper lifestyle, and theyll probably never want to deal with you again. Or theyll get sucked into the whole thing; theyll make prepper friends, and theyll be too busy fortifying their home and collecting resources to bother you ever again. Especially effective for friends in apartments. Stick with the pail and multiples thereof—I dont know what the packs are precisely, and no one answering the questions on Amazon seems sensible. Go! Games$19.95Great for puzzle enthusiasts. No one has completed this puzzle, and no one ever will. Loom and Leaf$849–1,799This is a very nice and extremely heavy mattress—the queen-sized is 184 pounds. For the small apartment-dweller, you can go the route of buying a mattress thats a size larger than the current one owned by the recipient (and possibly repeat this the next year). Or theres the riskier option of going one size smaller than the recipients current mattress, and you emphasize how incredible the mattress is. If you end up getting someone to transition to a twin-sized mattress, youre a monster, but please let me know. Scott$19.99Buy as much as you can afford and undermine their bathroom experience for a lifetime with what some say is the most uncomfortable toilet paper that you can buy. The value proposition of this large supply of toilet paper may pit partners against each other and destroy lives—use with caution. And if you need convincing, read this review. Netflix$107.88Buy the gift card, use it to create a Netflix account for them on the Basic Streaming Plan and give them the account information. You should have enough on the card to cover a year. The Basic plan isnt high-definition, so theyll be stuck watching garbage-looking low-resolution videos for a year. Google$799 (Pixel 4), $899 (Pixel 4 XL)For the person you desperately need out of a group chat. Or, if not, direct the ire of the group chat toward them once the chat balloons become irreparably green. Nintendo$241.49This is not the latest Nintendo console—this is an old one. It will not play the new Pokémon game. And this will be pretty frustrating when you combine it with a gift of Pokémon Sword or Shield that they wont be able to play (or maybe just include the suggestion that the recipient can now play those games). Summit Entertainment$17.98Include the note from the box, even better than the original, which is great if theyve never seen the original Red. Even better if they dont have a Blu-ray player. Get everyone their own copy if youre dealing with a group—everyone must own a copy. Yellies!$12.41“The louder you yell, the faster they go.” The child of your nemesis will love it. SANY DAYO HOME$9.99Theres probably someone who will love this, and you wont upset them by giving them this gift, but youll contribute to the mediocrity of their home decor, and you can relish in that fact, I guess. Stanislaus$24.30/CasePerfect for those in small apartments who like to make pizza. Be sure to leverage the volume discount for three cases or more to get them over 100 pounds of tomato. It will likely have to become a chair in their living room. Throw in a bag or two of flour to go with it. LG$699.95This is a truly excellent monitor for photographers and others who need great color reproduction. But its really built for Mac (and to a lesser extent, the iPad), that is to say, there isnt a single button to control the monitor, and all functionality is controlled through MacOS or iPadOS. So get it for the Windows-using photographer in your life. Theyll eventually probably be able to use this, but itll never be quite right. Pizzeria Beddia (Philadelphia)$250Include a note ‘Enjoy the Hoagie Room with six of your friends. Call to make a reservation.’ They wont be thrilled when they learn that the Pizzeria Beddia Hoagie Room costs $75 per person for six people, plus the cost of drinks, tax, and tip. This gift card doesnt really cut it. Bonus points if theyre not in the Philadelphia area. Valspar$161Great for those in a new home in need of interior painting. This is great quality paint. Get this paint in a dark color, and see if they paint a room with it. If you notice that theyve used the paint, follow up with a discordant color for the next holiday or birthday, and see if they continue to paint. If so, you should assume that the recipient will paint ad infinitum, and you should proceed with caution, but probably also with more paint gifts. Marathon$5-500OK, so dont run out and buy a Marathon gas card thinking youre going to cause distress for someone—you wont necessarily. What you need to do is get a gas gift card for a gas station in the area in which Christmas is taking place, for a person that flew to that area. So get a Marathon gas gift card for the person from California that flew into northeast Ohio. Or a Stewarts gas gift card for the person from Ohio that flew into upstate NY. TP Blaster$34.99Must have for the kids of someone you deeply dislike. Its like Nerf, except it shoots toilet paper instead. Probably pairs really well with the Scott toilet paper in this Rift Ride, but note that the Toilet Paper Blaster suggests double ply toilet paper. I dont know exactly what will happen with single-ply paper, but Id imagine itll be a mess. Ralph Lauren Boys 8–20$145Buy it for that guy who isnt quite worth the price of mens clothing. Google$799 (Pixel 4), $899 (Pixel 4 XL)For the person you desperately need out of a group chat. Or, if not, direct the ire of the group chat toward them once the chat balloons become irreparably green. LG$699.95This is a truly excellent monitor for photographers and others who need great color reproduction. But its really built for Mac (and to a lesser extent, the iPad), that is to say, there isnt a single button to control the monitor, and all functionality is controlled through MacOS or iPadOS. So get it for the Windows-using photographer in your life. Theyll eventually probably be able to use this, but itll never be quite right. Augason Farms$78.67Need to shed a friend that just wont take a hint? Set them up with with a proper doomsday prepper lifestyle, and theyll probably never want to deal with you again. Or theyll get sucked into the whole thing; theyll make prepper friends, and theyll be too busy fortifying their home and collecting resources to bother you ever again. Especially effective for friends in apartments. Stick with the pail and multiples thereof—I dont know what the packs are precisely, and no one answering the questions on Amazon seems sensible. Nintendo$241.49This is not the latest Nintendo console—this is an old one. It will not play the new Pokémon game. And this will be pretty frustrating when you combine it with a gift of Pokémon Sword or Shield that they wont be able to play (or maybe just include the suggestion that the recipient can now play those games). Pizzeria Beddia (Philadelphia)$250Include a note ‘Enjoy the Hoagie Room with six of your friends. Call to make a reservation.’ They wont be thrilled when they learn that the Pizzeria Beddia Hoagie Room costs $75 per person for six people, plus the cost of drinks, tax, and tip. This gift card doesnt really cut it. Bonus points if theyre not in the Philadelphia area. Go! Games$19.95Great for puzzle enthusiasts. No one has completed this puzzle, and no one ever will. Summit Entertainment$17.98Include the note from the box, even better than the original, which is great if theyve never seen the original Red. Even better if they dont have a Blu-ray player. Get everyone their own copy if youre dealing with a group—everyone must own a copy. Valspar$161Great for those in a new home in need of interior painting. This is great quality paint. Get this paint in a dark color, and see if they paint a room with it. If you notice that theyve used the paint, follow up with a discordant color for the next holiday or birthday, and see if they continue to paint. If so, you should assume that the recipient will paint ad infinitum, and you should proceed with caution, but probably also with more paint gifts. Loom and Leaf$849–1,799This is a very nice and extremely heavy mattress—the queen-sized is 184 pounds. For the small apartment-dweller, you can go the route of buying a mattress thats a size larger than the current one owned by the recipient (and possibly repeat this the next year). Or theres the riskier option of going one size smaller than the recipients current mattress, and you emphasize how incredible the mattress is. If you end up getting someone to transition to a twin-sized mattress, youre a monster, but please let me know. Yellies!$12.41“The louder you yell, the faster they go.” The child of your nemesis will love it. Marathon$5-500OK, so dont run out and buy a Marathon gas card thinking youre going to cause distress for someone—you wont necessarily. What you need to do is get a gas gift card for a gas station in the area in which Christmas is taking place, for a person that flew to that area. So get a Marathon gas gift card for the person from California that flew into northeast Ohio. Or a Stewarts gas gift card for the person from Ohio that flew into upstate NY. Scott$19.99Buy as much as you can afford and undermine their bathroom experience for a lifetime with what some say is the most uncomfortable toilet paper that you can buy. The value proposition of this large supply of toilet paper may pit partners against each other and destroy lives—use with caution. And if you need convincing, read this review. SANY DAYO HOME$9.99Theres probably someone who will love this, and you wont upset them by giving them this gift, but youll contribute to the mediocrity of their home decor, and you can relish in that fact, I guess. TP Blaster$34.99Must have for the kids of someone you deeply dislike. Its like Nerf, except it shoots toilet paper instead. Probably pairs really well with the Scott toilet paper in this Rift Ride, but note that the Toilet Paper Blaster suggests double ply toilet paper. I dont know exactly what will happen with single-ply paper, but Id imagine itll be a mess. Netflix$107.88Buy the gift card, use it to create a Netflix account for them on the Basic Streaming Plan and give them the account information. You should have enough on the card to cover a year. The Basic plan isnt high-definition, so theyll be stuck watching garbage-looking low-resolution videos for a year. Stanislaus$24.30/CasePerfect for those in small apartments who like to make pizza. Be sure to leverage the volume discount for three cases or more to get them over 100 pounds of tomato. It will likely have to become a chair in their living room. Throw in a bag or two of flour to go with it.
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